Is this fighting against passion?

Today, I have an exam at 2 pm. Its 9:25 already. I was tired yesterday, or if it was an excuse delivered inwards I am not aware, so I slept, leaving all that had to be read for today. This is not a new thing. I had lost the part of me that got scared academically and stayed awoke to “complete” things long back. I am not that me anymore. And its been almost three or maybe four years like this. No feeling bad because you don’t care; and you don’t care because you never feel bad, not anymore.

No matter how good you have moulded yourself into a person who looks deeply into long term reasoning and goes on with it like a man- sound and stable, there are times (even if it’s for a day in a year, or for a second in a week) when you do feel messed up. If not totally then at least a bit, which is enough to disturb in the most annoying ways. Well, this is that messed moment for me right now. And I better talk it out as understanding your own self is too, a mission- a never ending one.

Why now? Because I screw things up by doing acceptable things just in the wrong time? Maybe yes. Maybe no and my physical existence is a toy a retarded head is playing with- maybe my own head. Where is the happiness? And if it is with me all the time as I convince my head to go through something and seek goodness in it (which works actually) then why this pause for a self-demoralizing session? Its strange that you need a mirror to make sure you look good and you don’t need it to realize you are messed up inside out.

Why this sudden urge to leave out all the rest and just run to what you want? Where is the passion of completing my Computer Applications degree right now? The kind of passion I just had two years back recording rough but honest voices of Haryana for a radio magazine. Or the kind of nice craziness in editing sound in a small studio while laughing hard at the most quick and breath disturbing jokes shared and continued on with your anchor friend on the other side of the glass. Or the kind of passion I had, freezing way up in Himachal while natives ran around in T-shirts, carrying a tripod and walking on till the best frames were found.

Where am I? Where I was? Where I should have been? Where I could have been? Honestly, I don’t love this study that much. Its like a girl I forced my head to feel good about, and once in a while I have to force parts of my split mind to form into one and don’t let her know. Probably I wont leave her because I shouldn’t and moreover, because I am sick of leaving things to find something I love fantasizing about. But then is “loving to fantasize about something” passion? And if I am trying to fight against my passion, that’s the worst one can have. And at least, I am glad, that even for a while, it hurts that much. Maybe my passion is that strong!

Maybe, as I was trying to be a recordist since ever and the tries didn’t go well, I should try harder, again. But the calendar keeps turning and my birthdays too, so I should go on with the theory I started again with- of having something to fall back on as a good man does. Maybe this part of my life, is actually the one teaching me the most. Maybe after sorting this graduation aside, I would give my fantasy another fine try.