Under stress creativity boost

A day before an exam had been a hit for all the extracurricular activities I could think of, from last few years. Habits have been more tamed than controlled, and still I get reminded of the intentional wanderings during the middle year of my boring graduation. I would write, all that I couldn't write about when exams weren't near, not even close. I would play my guitar and a thousand thoughts in and out of my curious head, probably just to kill time. It hadn't been a problem lately because I won a battle over it somehow during my last year. And even more in Last Year Plus One! Obviously I had to.

I have got an exam tomorrow. I am changing every day. Each moment. If a person is said to have changed in last three months for example, still one can't pinpoint the actual moment of change. Maybe it's in the middle of someone's, who you're listening to, incomplete sentence. Maybe it's between a lightening flash and a drop fall on your forehead. Mediums of energy and communication are strange, sometimes logical, sometimes way more irrational than one's silliest imaginations.

The excitement or hyper-activeness, whatever, is strange.
(Part 2..)

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Another step

One foot sinking in green water
Other thinking about another step
I think about myself
And everyone I have left

One eye blinks in my memory
Other rules me in the outer world
I need everything I don't have
When I'm to choose I cant make it work

Fearless everyone is but I
Think about our time ahead
Clocks always outrun the mind
But being timeless is another threat

Let's speak it out like we used to
When no hurt stopped us any day
Pain was only physical
Nothing else could hurt us anyway

-

Woke up in the middle of a dream
Voiceless, thoughtless, suffocated
Escaped everything the whole day
Choice less, pride less, jaded

I am back but back to gravity
That my weightless head pulls me to
Priceless moments are happening
But I lack the fear of losing you

I think I am not sick or infected
I am a pure disease myself
One heart beats when I see sweetness
Other pumps in thoughts I cant tell

One soul moves ahead seeking life
Other keeps looking for another world
Going back is impossible but then
Why going forward just doesn't work

-

I am not sure if I'll be screaming
Believing I'll be spotted out
Till one day wakes me from dreaming
Relieving me from my own doubts

Will everyone be here or away
I am not sure but I'll be around
Setting up theories and algorithms
I'll move forward till I am found

...

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Urge to let go

Honestly, I am fed up of going to college. I am more than cracked by the idea of having education to build a career, a life and a future. I am torn by thinking about the former two things when I think of what I really do and who I really meet or who I learn from or who I sit collinear with. I don't hate my college. But I just hate the fact that I can't get myself safely out of somewhere I can't stand at all.

It's been two years and in August I 'll be in third year. Positive thinking is a good thing but people say, by their experience which comes from what they have learnt for themselves and what they have been through, that Bachelor of Computer Applications is 'one of the most difficult courses that most people commonly pass in four years'. One extra year. Let's be straight and honest, think real and forget about miracles or magic, I am no exception- in my life so far I know the best about how average I have been. Two years still left.

We avoid talking about things till the last seconds. By 'we', I mean people of my category- the last minute ones. But let's consider the facts now 'cause I am really tired of virtually getting rid of things. I am tired of escaping too at the same time. And the misery is, I am still ready to launch myself away in a second at any moment. It's like I am already sitting on a rocket with the final switch connected to my sub conscious.

Chris sings, "Running in circles, chasing our tales, coming back as we are". I think that's what's happening to me. I know well things should be taken care of. But that only applies till a limit. I am spoiled to get back into seats with classmates. Work spoiled me. Just a little money spoiled me. The more I get deeper into things, the more it gets harder to breathe. And this is not exaggerating. Only my personal God knows how I hold on to something that pushes me away like repelling gravity.

I hope to gain control again. But my God again knows how much I feel like escaping from, not knowing where to though. This is a depression. A craft, flying to an alternate world- not really mine- which I am expected not to eject from. I hope to pass this time like passing a year underwater. I don't want to break this time lapse into pieces of rapid stress.

I know what people ask, "Why now? Why not before?". Sometimes you do get deeper into finding a way to ultimately realize that you must try from somewhere else. If you do turn out to be headstrong through the same puddle, even then it changes your colour in some way or the other. I am changed. And I will be changed. No matter how hard I think of being someone good, by the middle of the day, I end up being only good willed- nothing more.

What is this career thing people sing about anyway? Life is organic to start with. One day we'll be pulp or smoke or just cold skin, till then I guess you just need to follow your will more than following a CV.

People say, "let go of things" and they are perfectly right. Just speak out what you feel, just go ahead and publish your inside to others. But I am trapped. If I really free myself and let go, one of the first things will be relieving myself out of places I feel smothered in. No more answering. No more talks of my career. All I want is a talk of my life and to me, life and career are two separate things. People often live thinking both are parts of the same wheel, perhaps they are right for themselves and maybe it works for them. But people are people. People live in planning, people live in love they fail to understand later, people go door to door with briefcases in hands and in clothes they don't understand, people terrify other people, people find God in things, people rescue others. More or less- I am not people.

I am selfishly my father's son- a simple person with simple wishes inside.

I feel misplaced over and over again. Like I am from somewhere else- not of somewhere either inferior or superior- that is not really the case. It's simply like again and again, second after second I get deeper into The Subconscious Rocket Theory. And 'I realize now, outsider or insider, it doesn't really matter'. 'All that matters is knowing what you really want, AND GOING AFTER IT'.

And don't worry people this isn't a suicide letter or an escapist's will. But a bomb is a bomb right, you just never know! ;)

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The Acid Theory by Chatush Reejonia

Once, in the second half of the first year of my Bachelor's, my classmate Chatush gave out a theory, hanging on the poles of one of the not so popular bus stops around our college. And that was the time, when the theory actually made sense. Although I assisted him in further developing the patentable theory but the original concept was his so two salutes and five cheers to that!

The theory holds that somewhere in the early days of our college, large quantity of a highly toxic acid fell all over the institute's premises and that is the reason why, all we have in the name of students, teachers, classmates and college mates are characters. And since these characters are hybrids of human race, no actor, no matter how good, can act as them.

These characters are unexplainable and indescribable since recording their properties and deeds into language is next to impossible. But the theory holds. And yes, it holds good!

We just hope that the acid doesn't radiate its wicked properties to us too till we get out of there in black coats. So far so good, we don't feel much affected, even though I am more or less sure that some of the symptoms must be noticeable by my friends or family. We will fight and we 'll fight for the rights of new freshers joining in this August.

The theory is a secret though but I am sure again that everybody even a bit lesser on acid must have given the characters a second thought.

Please give our college a visit if any of your researches include studying phenomena like this one. We're living examples of human resistance. But we suggest you to not visit on Saturdays because we believe it was a Saturday when the acid fell, since we were mostly absent on Saturdays. My so called college is named after IIT and its located in D block of Janak Puri. No address is required as you only have to follow a pungent smell and empty plots filled with trash. Or if you are a bit telepathic towards the human race, you can look for signals and traces of over innovative beaming minds.

Thank you for going through our award acclaiming theory, we 're already in the process of getting it patented. :)

---
The following picture was taken in Appu Ghar about three months later from the day we believe to be The Acid Day:

[Left: me; Right: Chatush Reejonia]

The radiation had so much grown till then that the famous amusement park (in fact the best amusement park of Delhites' childhood) was closed in months after we stepped in with two other classmates for mere a day. It was my birthday in fact.

We 're still out there. We 're still fighting.

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