One quiet moment

..is all I am going to have right now. Even though I know that after each quiet moment I do something stupid.. No rushing to the bank. No crossing of streets. No thoughts of tomorrow. No theses of yesterday. This moment- and nothing else.

I am confused.
I am tired.
I am disturbed.
I am meditating.

I was married to a Bachelor's degree in Computer Applications two years ago. I was old already but still young enough and stupid. Now, precisely, I can't handle it. In early 2007, a colleague 'predicted' something about me which I don't want to be true. He said I will be a person of multiple skills, which is more or less possible because there isn't one career option I ever find to be really mine. And he said, "You'll have to lose your first two crushes", and if that happens, I am going to find him and do my best to make him never predict again. I am serious, Mr. Harpaal Singh. (name changed for safety reasons, lol)

I don't hate the subject but just the place. I tried taking some 'beyond official' help from my brother in law (who's like a brother only, the 'in law' suffix sucks so much, it's like going to my sister's place in formals with some serious oil-comb job done and 1 kg of Burfi in in my hands hanging by a not-so-banned polythene bag on Diwali and New Year! Get a life people- get drunk and grill meat instead), being more sure than I should have been. In the last minute, it didn't work out. When I ask myself, what I really want to do now, my 'current wife' still doesn't get too out of the picture but our 'home' isn't something I want to tolerate, anymore.

My academic marriage is in trouble. So, what do I really want to do? My sister says, "You can't be safe from all the sides at a time", and it makes me think that she's right. Moving forward is painful, moving off is attractive but time consuming. "What the hell do you want to do", asks my room. "You're out of school from so so so long..", says nobody but who gives a shit 'cuz I hear it anyway. "Dude, just go through this marriage", says a brotherly friend's brother. "Complete kar hi lo", says a friend who's going to leave for his homeland soon and is giving me signs that I am going to have to search for him myself next decade when he wouldn't just show up. There's an ant on the floor right now, going round and round.. And there, now it just went out of the room from below the closed screen door. Sunlight is filtered. Everything is talking. And asking. Maybe this part of me is being impulsive.

I am listening to nobody. Nothing is impulsive if it occurs for a long long time. "Please don't panic", I tell myself once. If it doesn't work, I respect my own instincts because I believe if logic doesn't do any good, instincts are the last option- and we can't lose that.

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Why did I join this?

It was a mistake. I made it, I tried sticking to it, but now I can't try further.

Why quitting, it's a loser's way?

Going on being heartless is a loser's way too. I am not justifying anything. I am very well a loser, but not in the mirror.

You're making a mistake again. Don't you think?

I can count a thousand mistakes of my past that got me the sweetest tastes of my life. It's okay. I don't mind escaping from something I don't want even when I am late already.

Thought about a life ever?

I have. I very well have, now. And I don't want to let things slip off now when I know it. People might get 'ahead of me', but half of them still don't know about their lives and their real true wishes. I am still ahead.

You might end up with nothing, you know that?

I 'll end up with everything if I do what I like and don't do what others would like me to do. Common people are common, only because they can suggest everything obvious to make you common too. I might be common, nobody's denying that. But I am not people.

Are you sure?

Honestly, I don't know.
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