Letter to everyone

Dear Everyone,

This is a common letter for everyone I know or have just met even once. Please don't think you're not part of this letter, because you very much are if you ask me the truth, cornering me somewhere nobody else is around. Nothing particular has recently happened which might have just made me write this so I would love you guys if you don't get too investigative about it. So, bullshit aside- why am I writing this?! I don't know. It's like one of the common things that I have been thinking about from ages. I am just somebody you know, or just don't, but don't worry this has nothing to do with the degrees of knowing so just read and know that if you're reading this, you're very much part of who or what this is about.

I am a person of many wishes. I am a person of a variant sized heart. Over time, due to just random things, I have changed from a person who cried a lot, losing breath after beating the shit out of somebody to a person who finds crying the biggest contender among the things that challenge me the most about me. But it's not that I feel like crying and I can't and I am, so, in misery. I just don't, mostly. It's strange that when you play a video game in the first person mode, it's totally different than how you feel the character when you play it in the second person mode. And third person mode- is no doubt- totally different. Sometimes I don't react at things. Other times, I just manage to. Inside, there's hardly anything that really surprises me. So, if I ever gave you some unexpected or simply weird or awkward reaction, trust me, I wasn't "talking" to my body.

Sometimes I feel like I am a traveler. In a sense that I am going to pass by everything without really stopping. It's like you meet someone at the raw 'local' part of a highway, to have tea together, to just feel local for a while, but then you just speed by. I think inside or out, I seem to lack that stability. At a time I want something the most, and at the same time, I am ready to lose it. It's just like sticking to the ground and being opened to the possibility of just flying off to outer space. I don't know why I feel this or should we say, why I don't feel things that usually people do feel. At the same time, I believe well that I am not someone extraordinary as I, consciously or subconsciously, accept everything. I think everyone is just because everyone is. There's nothing 'normal' or 'out of the line' that really exists. To me, we're all together because we're all seeking happiness in our own ways. Sometimes I really forget the part of me that really seeks happiness because what I personally find amazing is having to be watching everyone doing their own thing without you actually being on your own mission. Some people get too serious with their missions, others, I guess, live more! It's hard to say who's right because one way or the other, nothing is perfectly right or wrong. By the way, this isn't a suicide letter so don't be afraid of being part of a conspiracy.

More or less, I love sitting in the middle of our not so perfect playground. Sometimes I sit with you on a grassy part somewhere because some of you are just too good in maintaining your worlds and sometimes it's just dirt we hang out in, just like random kids of a loving neighborhood. Believe me, I don't mind, I love it in fact. I don't want to get out without tasting everything (of course, except smoke because avoiding that is the only thing that makes me feel connected to my pure childhood). Many of you, I know, have an impression of me as a shithead who says anything anytime and gets away with a space traveler's attitude. Guys- I am a loner and I am just not that smooth with the transitional period between being in my room and around you all. There's no way that I dislike you or anything- I just don't claim out loud that I truly like you all! And even though I know that real conversations are mutual only, I love listening more than speaking, and yes! there I am a perfect cheater!

So, where was I, or where to begin from?! You all know me in different ways because honestly, I don't think I am the same with everyone. Inside I am, but I am never sure what goes outside! You know, sometimes, in fact I would say, most of the times, it gets harder and harder to synchronize our thoughts inside and their delivery to the outer world. Sometimes you're telling but your expressions don't support you because something else is bothering you at the same time and sometimes you feel a lot inside, which you know is something real or simply deep but you don't say a word because you don't want to ruin the surroundings in the real physical world. You know what I am saying?! It's like the quiet world inside separates you from everything else by a thick soundproof glass. I am talking about the moments again. Those are the moments when you can actually announce to the people outside that you're officially lost.

To me, life is, to begin with, every small thing. Tree branches gently moving outside my sister's kitchen showroom as I look through the glass door, a man in a purple shirt walking around with an office bag in hand and some papers, maybe brochures or letters, cars noising around, rapidly covered and uncovered sun and so the changing brightness of this post lunch hour of the day, images of the dull green trees standing in shadow, ashes of an agarbatti lying in a line, somebody's phone call making you think- everything. It probably doesn't have to be entertaining and sweet all the time. Life is tasting as much as we can I guess. So I wonder, what a day is this, and what a moment is this when I am trying to talk to everyone at the same time. Mass communication you see- I know a poor joke- but it isn't my fault some of you are just too much annoying and contagious!

My father says, as some of you might have heard from him, that he has been 'selective' in his life. My mom has been the opposite in her life. Of course she wanted to choose but probably didn't. I am an escapist. But as I think of it time over time, I think its bad and good in some way or the other. ''Its not good to run from things'', I would tell my dad if I get back to my childhood when he repeated that statement again and again. He repeated because he wanted certain good things to stick to our ears forever, so we never forget it as it would just ring around in our heads, constantly echoing out from one corner to another. ''Don't stick just because you should, look for yourself, for your own comforts and limits", I would tell my mom who never repeated things to teach us phrases and quotations of good men like our dad did. She taught in her own quiet ways- no words of wisdom, just steadily meditative telepathy. I have none of the pure qualities of my parents. I guess the three of us own noticeably variant ratios of our parents' genes. I hate repeating things, dad loves it. In fact, everything he still tells us from that one big inventory of those 'truths of life' or just the 'random good things to know', is just the same as always. I am being honest here, he rarely tells anything new! :) And its good in a way as I actually do remember it all. I wonder what all would I tell myself if I get face to face with my childhood. How much time would it actually take to convey everything that I would find useful in my own future that I have already seen now. Would it even help in any way, I think. Life is as it is- alterations are for dummies who can't move on their own.

We look in, we look out, whether we know what we're looking for or not is, I guess, not really a question. Happiness, I believe, comes from satisfaction primarily. There are so many people outside- in our streets to start with- that we don't really talk to but maybe many among them have the true potential to connect to us and actually make sense. We're just roaming around, after something or in our pursuit to evade something. I am a part of this crowd- catching a bus with a leather bag in hand, asking people on the back seat to make space for yet another person, enjoying nameless ice candies outside a government school, pushing stretchers in a nursing home, looking out of a mini bus through a not-so-smooth sliding glass and through dust, skating with no wheels or rollers on slippery paths around malls, clicking pictures around working fountains and just hanging in hope around the non working ones, pulling rickshaws away from policemen, selling copies of the bestselling books on traffic lights, drinking water from a public matka lying just anywhere from ages, running around with cheap whiskey and ice packets minutes before and after 10 PM, holding a glass at the back seat of a scooter wearing engineers' yellow cap, breathing the smoke of burning charcoal...

I watch as I walk. I walk as I watch. And so does everybody. Sometimes I am high with thoughts, sometimes we all are. You might have seen my high look. I might have seen yours too! ;) But don't worry, we won't tell anybody. Or probably we all just would! If it really is all about happiness, then we're on like always. I know just a little about you and I am on a mission. You are too. As much as we all can taste- let all the luck come to us! So far so good, we'll see...

I hope we never lose our hopes. I hope we all find what we're knowingly or unknowingly looking for. Let's just keep up the good, unplanned, random work!

Cheers,
Sunny
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