Urge to let go

Honestly, I am fed up of going to college. I am more than cracked by the idea of having education to build a career, a life and a future. I am torn by thinking about the former two things when I think of what I really do and who I really meet or who I learn from or who I sit collinear with. I don't hate my college. But I just hate the fact that I can't get myself safely out of somewhere I can't stand at all.

It's been two years and in August I 'll be in third year. Positive thinking is a good thing but people say, by their experience which comes from what they have learnt for themselves and what they have been through, that Bachelor of Computer Applications is 'one of the most difficult courses that most people commonly pass in four years'. One extra year. Let's be straight and honest, think real and forget about miracles or magic, I am no exception- in my life so far I know the best about how average I have been. Two years still left.

We avoid talking about things till the last seconds. By 'we', I mean people of my category- the last minute ones. But let's consider the facts now 'cause I am really tired of virtually getting rid of things. I am tired of escaping too at the same time. And the misery is, I am still ready to launch myself away in a second at any moment. It's like I am already sitting on a rocket with the final switch connected to my sub conscious.

Chris sings, "Running in circles, chasing our tales, coming back as we are". I think that's what's happening to me. I know well things should be taken care of. But that only applies till a limit. I am spoiled to get back into seats with classmates. Work spoiled me. Just a little money spoiled me. The more I get deeper into things, the more it gets harder to breathe. And this is not exaggerating. Only my personal God knows how I hold on to something that pushes me away like repelling gravity.

I hope to gain control again. But my God again knows how much I feel like escaping from, not knowing where to though. This is a depression. A craft, flying to an alternate world- not really mine- which I am expected not to eject from. I hope to pass this time like passing a year underwater. I don't want to break this time lapse into pieces of rapid stress.

I know what people ask, "Why now? Why not before?". Sometimes you do get deeper into finding a way to ultimately realize that you must try from somewhere else. If you do turn out to be headstrong through the same puddle, even then it changes your colour in some way or the other. I am changed. And I will be changed. No matter how hard I think of being someone good, by the middle of the day, I end up being only good willed- nothing more.

What is this career thing people sing about anyway? Life is organic to start with. One day we'll be pulp or smoke or just cold skin, till then I guess you just need to follow your will more than following a CV.

People say, "let go of things" and they are perfectly right. Just speak out what you feel, just go ahead and publish your inside to others. But I am trapped. If I really free myself and let go, one of the first things will be relieving myself out of places I feel smothered in. No more answering. No more talks of my career. All I want is a talk of my life and to me, life and career are two separate things. People often live thinking both are parts of the same wheel, perhaps they are right for themselves and maybe it works for them. But people are people. People live in planning, people live in love they fail to understand later, people go door to door with briefcases in hands and in clothes they don't understand, people terrify other people, people find God in things, people rescue others. More or less- I am not people.

I am selfishly my father's son- a simple person with simple wishes inside.

I feel misplaced over and over again. Like I am from somewhere else- not of somewhere either inferior or superior- that is not really the case. It's simply like again and again, second after second I get deeper into The Subconscious Rocket Theory. And 'I realize now, outsider or insider, it doesn't really matter'. 'All that matters is knowing what you really want, AND GOING AFTER IT'.

And don't worry people this isn't a suicide letter or an escapist's will. But a bomb is a bomb right, you just never know! ;)

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Something raging

This is it. Right now. Something I feel once a while, sometimes it lasts for seconds and sometimes for weeks and months. This anger. Reason? Simple? One? Many? Someone? Everyone? I don't know. It's like a cycle. Blood pressure pumping anger or anger fueling blood pressure- both are simply high. And this isn't one of those feelings that I do know and do understand, when everything just feels as worthless as usual and strangely without a reason at all. This is something else. More or less? Good or bad? Controlled or leaking? I don't know. It's like a drink, acting somehow even when you're awake and well trying to feed the senses. Something that just simply kills all the wishes to share or speak out. Or if I do speak out, turns me off for discussing it. In a moment, everything feels just so delicate. Doors, walls, distemper chipping off in one of those sign giving corners, CDs, hinges, floor, plastic, metal, food, people, gadgets, screens, packing, fitting, bolts, plugs, vases, pipes, wires, buttons, current, perfumes, handles, surfaces, contacts, brochures, business cards, adhesives, polythene bags, tube lights, ICs, internet- everything I see or hear or smell or feel or touch or mere think about- intentionally or accidentally.

This is what it is. One of the moods. One of the seasons. One of the moments. One of the hours. Anytime. Evergreen. Never ending. Life consuming. Destructive. Self destructive. Critical. Unmanageable yet bearable. Observable yet immeasurable. Suppressible but not erasable.
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I don't want comments on this one but if you want to say anything at all about anything, email me, or just say here- I READ IT. :) :( :-\

Cheers! [I did one of the least things about recording it]
Thanks!

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Control

Sit with me at the back seat and hold the bar behind you or maybe my waist like one of those days when parents traveled on a scooter to fairly far areas of Delhi, with a small portion of that kind of conical front seat left for the younger ones, and stay together with me for our ride. We 'll take our questions and answers and thoughts and happenings to wherever till we feel like as we 're full tanked and full willed. And whatever silly we talk about, we 'll go to the very edges and shores but will stay in control. Sixty one minutes of description of a day particularly full of nothing is just as exciting as is listening to it from the other end of the duo of a wired telephone and a cellphone crying for battery. How about we lose control over that energy we're putting in to keep up the silly work and talk inside out; and feel the straightness of that moment and the silence thereafter!?

Its not that Mr. X wishes for silence right now, listening or Miss Y wishes to shut up because her tongue's dehydrated by each second she amazingly utilizes to fire a round of four words, at least. Neither the realization about the whole silly talk session is bothering them. Tomorrow, because of this and not something more sense making, some part of their lives may get affected.

"So be it!"

But the show goes on.. And we would just not lose control!

To be continued..

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That silly moment!

Sometimes all the care and consciousness of keeping on to do things right just slips away for a split second. You’re a harsh but completely-in-senses driver, fine, but don’t you have that one little moment sometime or the other, when everything just slides into a pool of careless fun or ignorant misery? When for a while you get out of the line, even though the next second you realize without telling anyone riding with you- Okay! Shit! Why did I just do that..?!

Is it too hard to be 100% right? Is it not in our genes far and beyond?! You cook just too good! Everybody knows that you just manage to survive in a kitchen but whatever you do is tasty, still, one moment of expecting things to go way more effortless than your skills afford- and you end up with a seekh kebab crispy fried outside but still cold inside.

Yes! I am talking about that moment! That very moment when everything that you have learned to make right or to come out clean from abuses you in an instance. If one could program some basic things, which wouldn’t be entertaining ever to try out any other way, and become safe or basically happy?! Is safety too much to struggle for? Who wants to try being unsafe, on a road particularly, just for the sake of trying something new?

Urge to go longer, faster or smoother is nice but it cant cover up an urge to be ignorant- even for a split second. A badly cooked kebab can be disposed and there you go; you got rid of it!

What if, instead of being able to deliver a screaming expression, “Shit! That $#@%!! WAS INCHES!!”, you turn into a kebab yourself!!?

Some things in life deserve full attention and absolutely no messing up. All one can do is try and take that moment out, completely. That moment should never be occurring ever again! And each time when you’re able to minus such silly moments one by one, you get more time for other things- you live more! ;)

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Time Flies

How would I describe a usual day before an exam? I have all I need but I sleep, quite comfortably. That’s how I have become. And when I want to try the most, sometimes, things get totally locked for me. Like today, I had an old copy of Herbert Schildt’s Java 2- The Complete Reference which I had to return today, so I exchanged it for a newer looking copy. On a common exam day I come back home and sleep for about 7 hours flat. Today, when I woke up, I realized the copy I had got didn’t have specifically the chapters I needed. Hoorah!

I don’t believe in misfortune or any such theory that gives you a chance to give reasons to cover up your stupidity or carelessness or any kind of weakness that you are ashamed of. But sometimes when I am totally keen to fix things and be a better person in any possible way, things get locked up. Its just like what I do to people sometimes comes straight back to me in the same manner. Like I give people a fair chance to talk when I am in a battle with them, and when that chance is gone, I never (sometimes, I am trying to fix this already) make the chance feel like an open option again.

Its like God gives me a fair chance which I waste. And then when I want to fix things, and when I want to put all my efforts, I simply cant.

About three weeks ago, I had a reappear exam of mathematics. I had far thoughts of clearing maths this time, and I was working on it. In case of reappear exams there is nothing official or nicely displayed in our college, so all the information you get is from some student who is told by some teacher. Its all talk to talk. And guess what, one of my good acquaintances in my class forgets to tell me. So when I ask, “When is the exam?”, with full innocence, I am told that it “was two days ago”.

What do you do when you want to but you cant control things?
What happens in that instance?
What is wrong when what you are willing to separates from what lies in your hands?

I have no idea about any all time remedy about this but all I am doing right now is listening to Time Flies by Puddle of Mudd.

Time does fly and sometimes you have to just let it fly! ;)

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