Urge to let go

Honestly, I am fed up of going to college. I am more than cracked by the idea of having education to build a career, a life and a future. I am torn by thinking about the former two things when I think of what I really do and who I really meet or who I learn from or who I sit collinear with. I don't hate my college. But I just hate the fact that I can't get myself safely out of somewhere I can't stand at all.

It's been two years and in August I 'll be in third year. Positive thinking is a good thing but people say, by their experience which comes from what they have learnt for themselves and what they have been through, that Bachelor of Computer Applications is 'one of the most difficult courses that most people commonly pass in four years'. One extra year. Let's be straight and honest, think real and forget about miracles or magic, I am no exception- in my life so far I know the best about how average I have been. Two years still left.

We avoid talking about things till the last seconds. By 'we', I mean people of my category- the last minute ones. But let's consider the facts now 'cause I am really tired of virtually getting rid of things. I am tired of escaping too at the same time. And the misery is, I am still ready to launch myself away in a second at any moment. It's like I am already sitting on a rocket with the final switch connected to my sub conscious.

Chris sings, "Running in circles, chasing our tales, coming back as we are". I think that's what's happening to me. I know well things should be taken care of. But that only applies till a limit. I am spoiled to get back into seats with classmates. Work spoiled me. Just a little money spoiled me. The more I get deeper into things, the more it gets harder to breathe. And this is not exaggerating. Only my personal God knows how I hold on to something that pushes me away like repelling gravity.

I hope to gain control again. But my God again knows how much I feel like escaping from, not knowing where to though. This is a depression. A craft, flying to an alternate world- not really mine- which I am expected not to eject from. I hope to pass this time like passing a year underwater. I don't want to break this time lapse into pieces of rapid stress.

I know what people ask, "Why now? Why not before?". Sometimes you do get deeper into finding a way to ultimately realize that you must try from somewhere else. If you do turn out to be headstrong through the same puddle, even then it changes your colour in some way or the other. I am changed. And I will be changed. No matter how hard I think of being someone good, by the middle of the day, I end up being only good willed- nothing more.

What is this career thing people sing about anyway? Life is organic to start with. One day we'll be pulp or smoke or just cold skin, till then I guess you just need to follow your will more than following a CV.

People say, "let go of things" and they are perfectly right. Just speak out what you feel, just go ahead and publish your inside to others. But I am trapped. If I really free myself and let go, one of the first things will be relieving myself out of places I feel smothered in. No more answering. No more talks of my career. All I want is a talk of my life and to me, life and career are two separate things. People often live thinking both are parts of the same wheel, perhaps they are right for themselves and maybe it works for them. But people are people. People live in planning, people live in love they fail to understand later, people go door to door with briefcases in hands and in clothes they don't understand, people terrify other people, people find God in things, people rescue others. More or less- I am not people.

I am selfishly my father's son- a simple person with simple wishes inside.

I feel misplaced over and over again. Like I am from somewhere else- not of somewhere either inferior or superior- that is not really the case. It's simply like again and again, second after second I get deeper into The Subconscious Rocket Theory. And 'I realize now, outsider or insider, it doesn't really matter'. 'All that matters is knowing what you really want, AND GOING AFTER IT'.

And don't worry people this isn't a suicide letter or an escapist's will. But a bomb is a bomb right, you just never know! ;)

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Life- Too abstract to measure..

Who is it living at the very core? The moody one. A figure who others use to observe and analyze who we are from. These figures we make ourselves a part of. Each day, each second is a drama. What is that abstract feeling, out of which all the feelings are inherited and polished into specific and rigid definitions? Do we feel those simple feelings purely at all? Isn't the taste of something the best conclusion our mind can reach by the efforts of senses.. ? Aren't we extending that basic figure into our own versions?

What if the mirror isn't right? What if we go blind to those figures? Being just fine physically. Would we see totally different then? Maybe a different kind of image, painted by colours we don't know yet. How will you look right now if you were made of feelings than a face made of skin? Will I ever be able to guess your look if you just teleport yourself out of physics? Would I still see you? Or would you see yourself in the mirror then? Would you believe it then? Or, would you still not let anyone see the inner image, if you dont have the basic lines anymore?

I am a figure. A setup of colours. A glow within borders. A thought floating like a halo, just hidden behind illusions of mass and gravity. Can you see me, how I am changing shape and colour right now? Can we still talk? Do we have to talk? I am not my face, or my name, or religion, or my skin- I am a fume flying back and forth and so are you.
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Why so serious?

Just shut up with your that look Joker..
I am tryin' to have a moment here..

Woo.. A moment? Stop with that philosophical bullshit!
Hey.. Wanna know how I got these scars?

No!! But your scars are just outside!!
Who gives a shit about your face anyways..

I do.. I use white boot polish for fairness each day..

Yeah right! You know.. I am scared..

Hoooo.. So.. Finally! Batman's scared..!

No, its not that you fool.. Listen..
Everybody knows me by my image..
What if I dont have a suit anymore..

The Batman will go naked!!

..No one's gonna recognize me anywhere..
I 'll be out of comics, cartoon shows..
My hollywood career too would be ruined to ashes.. !

Whoa.. Never thought that way..
But guess what- a new Batman is just born..
A saint Batman!

AAAArrrrggghhhh!!!

Hehehehehkhhh!! Now wanna know how I got these scars?!

Whatever!! #$@^#!!

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Life is just too short to live with that good man certainty.. Yes, settling into a pillar to hold responsibilities is a good thing. But getting lost in physics forever is a wastage of that abstractness. What if for a second- life is seen outside of living at a place, studying in a college or working somewhere? A fine balance between dreams and reality is, of course, something to be understood. Life is too short for living outside the line as well.. But how would you paint yourself right now if we can't go by the mirror or any kind of replication? Which colour are you made of right now? What's your shape? And gesture? Can you see yourself? Would you still let others see you?

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Life: A video game

Best thing about living is the thing that you have everything in full detail. What you see has no resolution troubles. Blurriness can be there, but that's your character, right?! Simply, the best thing about living all the possibilities of clocks and calenders is that you can always try options and never get sick of it. There's no glitch. You go to a corner of your veranda and by a flick you're on the top of your roof- never happens! Can any game ever be that realistic as much as life itself? Isn't it fun to feel like a character and maintain your profile than to feel too real and too messed up..?!

I have tried living this many a times. Yes, from now on, I am not a person; I am my avatar! I am the supreme being that handles my dummy. But when I speak, its only through my dummy- that's the game!

So what should my avatar wear today?! :)

Sometimes, I guess, giving up the wish to capture or to replicate or trace things could get you the most beautiful feeling. Just takes a bit of extra forcing sometimes to convince yourself- "Do not take that photograph, just feel it!". Sharing, of course, is a good thing. But what if rather than showing a photograph to a friend with you in it, swimming, or pretending to be swimming, you could bring your that friend to the river?!

And if that is situation #5 of stage #2, then I don't mind trying to find ways. Real is so difficult- agreed. But what if the real is the fun part? Why do we play games anyway- to have plain fun!! What's the most awesome feature of characters in our game? I guess its the impossibility to print screen what one sees at a time. So all you can do is get an approximate picture of what you see but to have more realism out of the game you just bought or downloaded or just realized you need to bring other avatars to where you stand to show them what you see, to make them hear what you hear- and the sound effects are never same.

We are in a game that has the full potential to never repeat a thing! What would you do to call others?

Would you stay there and scream? Or reach out to them and come back running? Well, its your dummy, handle it yourself! ;)

Respawning is not allowed! But that doesn't mean you can't feel like you just respawned!

So what's your dummy up to? Mine just finished typing and is going to hunt for food..

To be continued..

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